Centre For Relationships | Homepage

Do You Know Why You're Arguing?

Do you ever get halfway through an argument and wonder how you got there?

Maybe you've been there – trying to score points in an argument with your partner which seems to you both the most important thing in the world at that moment.  The argument has reached the stage where everything your partner says seems accusatory and unreasonable and everything you say is refuted or dismissed.  In your efforts to get your views across the volume has increased until you're both shouting, not even listening to what the other is saying.  Sound familiar?

So let's just pause for a moment.  How did you get to this situation?  What was it that you both felt was so important that you had to expend all this energy and time?  Can you even remember?  The chances are that you can't remember and almost certainly you don't know why you're really arguing.  But there you are facing each other, red-faced, angry and upset.  How does it look to you?  How are you and your partner treating each other?

Maybe if you'd known that it would develop into this conflict you'd have gone about it in a different way, maybe not.  If you'd just wanted an argument you may well have pushed until you got one.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with having and expressing a strong point of view.  That goes for both of you.  But what's the use of expressing it at exactly the moment when the other person is almost guaranteed not to be listening, let alone feeling sympathetic?

The crucial aspect of this is that there may well be a whole other issue that you don't feel able to talk about, so instead you pick an argument as a way to vent your frustration.  Or it may be that you don't know how to ask for what you want, and so you demand it.

Perhaps a better way of approaching things would be to slow the action down and press the 'Pause' button.  Maybe take a few deep breaths and just think about what you want or don't want and what is really frustrating you.

  • It can be difficult sometimes to truly know why you are angry.
  • It's important to find out what you actually want to say.
  • If you don't understand what you are trying to say, how you can you possibly convey it to your partner?
  • So, it is important to understand yourself.

Understanding what is really going on for you is the focus of our workshop - Understand Your Self in Relationships.

As one of our recent workshop participants says:

"I had a fantastic experience.  Really helped me to start understanding who I am and why I am like I am.  More importantly, the knowledge I have gained is helping me to communicate more positively..."

Was this Article helpful?   Yes  (76.2%)  No  (23.8%) 

Relationship Matters

Single And Wanting To
   Be Social

Communicating In Your

The Struggle To

Rejection & Acceptance

Part-Time Love

The Advice Of Friends

Stages of a Relationship

Do You Know Why
   You're Arguing?

Channel 4